look at my giant foot! 

My girl on her birthday 

May 12 1999

A smile that brightens a day.

A word that helps you threw the night.

you give that to me.

you help me threw my life.


dedicated to my husband, whom without, life would be such a drag.

May 4 1999

I can't even look,
My minds a blur,
My heads a mess.
My legs won't work,
My feet are stuck.
Stuck in this spot,
of never quite controlling,
what the day shall bring,
tomorrow?
Or maybe even what,
Yestermorn,
has brought threw breaking day.
if only there was someway,
to see the coming dawn,
Maybe my feet shall move,
my legs might work yet.
the spot shall move,
the one my feet are stuck in.
The glass will soon be clear.
Control,
comes calling!

may 19 1999

Wild dreams,
cascading colors.
All around me,
Like a trip,
I can't come back from.

Dreams take over my life,
confuse my being,
lost in a world of weirdness.
The weirdness of dreams,
the vivid feel of them.
Night,
after night.
How strange,
I don't know what they mean!

March 25 1999

I feel like this hole,
bottomless,
torchered.
Full of pain,
Screaming from within.
loneliness consumes my being.
Confused,
hammered to the ground.
Like a tree,
that has fallen in the woods,
alone,
silently.
Alone in this place,
where fear is normal.
Conflicted with emotions,
where nothing comes easy.
this hole,
that I can't crawl out of,
without a leg up,
I am stuck,
with confusion.
Stuck,
in this black,
bottomless pit.


help me I'm falling

To Write, or not to write

So how is anybody supposed to write a book when they have a kid. I have about an hour to myself while she is napping. I have been trying to get stuff done then. Then after she goes to bed I have about an hour and a half to write or do whatever, Before I have to go to bed myself. So, In three days I have written 3 1/2 pages. The problem is by the time I put her to sleep I am so tired I can barely focus on the computer. My eyes get droopy and my hands get tired  so fast. At this rate it is going to take me thirty years to right my book.

But as of the 3 1/2 pages, I think it is coming along well for the draft of the first real book I have ever attempted. So I guess I will just have to be patient and see how it goes. If I can't do it (that is totally the wrong attitude huh?), At least I have my poetry to fall back on in moments of complete dread and panic!

March 25 1999

Trapped inside

Trapped,
like a bird,
in a cage.

Trapped,
like a prisoner,
with no windows.

trapped,
if only,
I could find an escape.

March 24 1999

I feel lost,
in this place,
where my feet don't touch the ground.

Like a flower,
floating in water,
trying to find ground.

Ground,
that is warm,
and loving.
To fill me with nourishment,
and to feed me hope.

I feel lost,
in this place,
where my head is clouded in darkness.

Feb. 16 1999

The moon,
it doesn't follow.
Stationary,
as I move.
The moon,
I think,
she's laughing at me,
she's beautiful,
but,
full of spite,
that moon.

Feb. 14 1999

This boy,
I know,
he seems,
to me,
to be free.
His heart,
is pure,
this boy I know,
from pain.
I think,
he's free.
In that,
freedom,
this boy,
I know,
he's young.

Feb. 2 1999

I think,
that I,
have committed sin!

unpure love affair,
no meaning,
no feeling,
sin.

if only you knew,
what it really meant.
I think you would find,
Nothing!

Feb. 9 1999

Anger,
Rolls through my soul.
Hatred,
raps around my mind.

Abandoned from love,
has,
made me,
hate.

Feb. 9 1999

LOST

My mind,
seems hollow.
My eyes,
don't see.
My ears,
they hear.
DISGUST,
HATRED,
VIOLENCE.
Lost is my heart.

Feb. 8 1999

Flight

Passion,
is gone,
love,
is gone,
my mind,
is gone.

Love,
well,
it ran,
like a man,
running for a bus.

My mind,
maybe,
it followed,
the man.

Feb. 8 1999

Thoughts are scrambled

thought,
well,
thoughts are scrambled.
Lost in the dark,
well,
lost in my mind.
Light,
well,
maybe,
there is light ahead,
FUCK,
I hope so.
For now,
I think,
well,
I think I am lost.

HOME

I have been at my mamma's house since Monday.  I am SOOOOOOOO Glad I am going home tomorrow.  A person can only take so much of famillia, right? If it was just my mom, well I think I could stay longer, but My Step-Father.  He has got to be the moodiest person I have ever met. And at moments I feel like I am so under-foot with him, That I feel like screaming, "I am going home tomorrow, So get over it."  Well Anyways, I will post more poetry when I get home, Thank god I am going home, Thank god I am going home, LOL.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is my Girls Birthday party, So much to do. And the Daddy took there car. how Can I make a cake without butter? Guess it will have to wait.

other than that no real news. Going home with my Mom on monday. that will be fun, if she doesn't drive me Crazy. So I will right more soon. thats it for today, Cheers

feb 2 1999

I sit alone,
with complete,
Apathy,
the phone,
is,
silent.

2/2/99

This pain consumes,
my soul.
But alone,
there is nowhere,
to run.
-------------

If you truly understood,
that alone,
is nowhere to be.
Maybe you could think,
love is like a rose,
it grows to beauty,
than,
fades to ugly.

Jan 27 1999

My heart,
It flew away.
How strange,
to see you,
And be free.

1/28/99

My blood,
runs like fire,
as boredom,
eats me alive.

Yahoo!!

Well, it has been a few days, sorry about that.

This weekend was so fantastic. WE (My man and I) went to Boise, it is about a five hour drive, to go see the warped tour. Man I love that, an all day affair with tons of great bands, and then some really bad ones, (we didn't listen to that). WE got to Meet three of the casualties, they are cool guys, Jorge is SO NICE, and Rick is ultra good looking. They look so cool with their spiky hair, a rainbow of colors. WE chatted with Pat Thetic of Anti-flag, he was cool, We told him what a good thing they do for our seen. They are so political, and spread that word to all of those youngsters who don't think about that crap. I think I am going to write them a huge long letter about how much I appreciate them for that.

My Girl spent the weekend with her Auntie, They had a blast, they camped at the dirt bike races Friday night. I bet my Girl just loved that. She seemed a bit tired, but well enough rested.

Sunday we went to a party for a friends of our mom who is moving. I will miss her. She had this garage sell tent, but really it was giveaways. I took so much stuff that all our friends who were there kept calling me a klepto. Oh well. I got three Orchids, and a really cool Jade plant, Two pictures, which I hung in the bed room, and some stuff for my girl, Daddy also got some stuff. So we made out alright. I love free shit. I get to go back in the morning for some more free stuff, YAY.

Well I guess that is it. My computer has been on the Fritz. That totally blows, But hopefully tomorrow or the next day I can get some poetry up, Ciao for now.

Old Friend

Old friend,
I fell your stare,
but insecure,
is it full of contempt?

You look at me differently,
years and years,
have past.
Yet
your words,
are like music to me still,
Darlin'.

I think,
there is nothing more,
Satisfactory,
than old friends,
as lovers.

In Confusion

In confusion,
I sit,
to ponder.
If only there was hope,
for you,
and I.
can you feel
my body,
together with yours?
together we could fly.
I think,
Together,
we could sing!
What a song it would be,
you and I,
together,
again.

Glass

I have seen the world,
with eyes the color of glass.
but the things I have seen,
I care,
not for.
Ugly hate,
Dirty sky,
and each love,
less pure,
than the last.

4th of July

So this weekend went ok, the Car show was not as huge a hit as we hoped for. But maybe next year.

Sunday night our house got hit by lighting. Our phone was out until this afternoon. That totally sucked. Good thing there was an extra cell phone we could use (man I hate those things) other than that our fireworks were cool, shot them of the top of the screen, made people happy.

that's it. Very boring today.

Jibber Jabber

So this week is going to be crazy. Its all crazy around the drive in. July fourth, the third really, is my step-mother in-laws family reunion. There are supposed to about 60 peeps here. And also on sat we have the First Annual spud drive-in car show. That should be cool. But there is still the giant junk yard in the back here, surrounding our houses. Will that ever be cleaned up? My father in-law has all these projects he hopes to do "one day". Yeah right! Who knows how long all that crap has been sitting back here. We have been here a year now. And my man has talked him into hauling so much of it off already. But you would never even know it if you looked. When friends stop by and I tell them that, they laugh at me. Like I am telling a joke. But really its true.

My girls birthday is in two weeks. She will be two. And here I sit today trying to make invites, so she can actually have a party. I hope I can get them done. I guess we'll see. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing all of it. My ,man, he's a good pop. He just doesn't hang out all that much. Sometimes I feel like a single parent. How bad is that. Oh well right?

I was talking with one of my girl friends yesterday. She was telling me she is thinking about splitting on her man. Just packing all her crap, and leaving. Man I could never do that, I really do love my husband. But I guess like everyone, I feel like I am alone sometimes, just sweatin' life out, without help. Her reasoning for it is tho, she has two kids (not his) and he drinks a lot. He is like thirteen years older than here. And is always drunk. I think then I would leave for sure. Life throws you hard shit to deal with.

I think I would rather Talk my man into splitting with me, and going anywhere but here. We used to be like that. Until we had our girl. Just throw all of our shit in the back of the car (it all used to fit there). We could never do that know. Our girl has so much crap. But split without telling him, leaving him with all the bills and crap like that. Wow, conscious people.